Shooting for veto record, Doyle calls special session, demands 17 more bills to reject

Today, Jim Doyle held a forceful press conference in which he ordered the Legislature to convene in special session and pass 17 additional bills, so that he might veto them when they cross his desk.

"I am not going to finish second to that bitch Napolitano," Doyle was heard screaming to his aides through a door to an East Wing conference room earlier in the day.

Janet Napolitano, the first-term governor of Arizona, has scored national media attention by vetoing her 115th bill of the term, breaking a record previously held by Bruce Babbitt. Like Doyle, Napolitano has been forced to work with a Republican-controlled Legislature for the length of her term.

Doyle currently sits second in the nation, with 101 vetoes.

"I have said countless times that we must work to make Wisconsin number one, and that includes the number of vetoes issued," said Doyle. "I demand that Speaker Gard and Majority Leader Schultz bring their members back to pass 17 more bills that threaten the safety of the public, provide needless tax cuts to their campaign donors, and offer trivial, meaningless solutions to the problems faced by our working families."

"It shouldn't be hard, as they've been doing it all session," Doyle continued. "I don't care if Gard even has to send a few members home to get a majority, like with the death penalty vote. I'm okay with that. (Assembly Minority Leader Jim) Kreuser's already promised me his caucus won't give you guys a hard time about it."

Doyle issued a direct threat to legislators if they did not comply with his request.

"Wisconsin has a chance to be number one, and nobody will get in the way," said Doyle. "My good friend Chief Soft Money has already promised a massive media buy calling Republican legislators obstructionists if they fail to produce 17 more bills. Why 17 when 15 will do the trick? Well, the Chief has said that he needs 17 more veto pens to give to my 'special donors,' the ones I never get to know by name."

Then, in a moment of candidness, Doyle added, "Surely you all understand how this works, guys. If I don't get the veto pens, I will be forced to mint some of those stupid f#$*ing coins like McCallum did and give those away. The National Governors Association will never let me live that down. Besides, I've already got the pens."

When asked for comment, Napolitano seemed surprised at Doyle's announcement. "I always kick his ass at sheepshead when the NGA meets," said the Arizona governor. "He must be trying to get back at me. But if he's issuing me a challenge, he needs only look at my fantastic veto record in Arizona that's got me sailing towards reelection. You want me to bring it, Doyle? Bitch, check the scoreboard. It has already been broughten."

Note: Just a little satire for my readers in the East Wing. By the way guys, is Xoff cutting that ad yet about Green ducking a straight answer on a Jensen pardon? Because that s#*% is golden. Look forward to seeing lots of it on TV this fall. Good Lord!