(An Abandoned Warehouse Somewhere in Wisconsin) - Mark Green appeared with nearly two dozen College Republicans today and issued a desperate plea to their fellow collegians to help them get laid.
"To those of you in college with social skills - in other words, you liberal kids - I would ask that you kindly take one of these fine youngsters under your wing and teach them the necessary skills to, well, get their groove on," said Green. "I know that my opponent might call my request extreme, but these kids clearly need to be extremely less serious about themselves."
Green campaign manager Mark Graul noted that College Republicans chapters are often filled with socially-maladjusted youngsters who seek out conservatism as a method of creating a false sense of superiority over "lower" social groups who are allegedly dependent on government assistance: minorities, women, gays, the disabled, and hippies, for example. But deep down, Graul says, they just want someone of the opposite sex to pay attention to them. "Look, we've got one hot guy and one hot girl - Charlie and Lisa over there - to hang around headquarters, and we give them $30 an hour to hang out with these dorks from 5-9 every time we need some mailings done. Between that and a some free pizza, we can get these CR's to work for hours on end." said Graul. "It's cheaper than outsourcing the work to Bangladesh - or Canada for that matter. That's where we get our goodie bags for parades."
Green added that this didn't have to be a "girlfriend/boyfriend" thing. "Just take them out on some Friday night, give them a little liquor, put on a little Sade or whatever the kids are making out to these days and show them a good time," said Green. "At first, they're going to try and talk to you about some bullshit, like which Dinesh D'Souza book was his best, or how much cooler Scalia is than Alito. You just gotta get through that. Once they hook up with someone, they'll see whole new colors out there. It'll be like coming out of the closet - well, none of them are gay, of course, so that's a bad analogy. But think about it. Next time, instead of singing the praises of Katherine Harris' positions on the war in Iraq, they'll finally notice what a smoking hot body she has for a 49-year-old."
When asked about Green's proposal, Doyle flack Anson Kaye pointed out that Doyle had proposed a $1.2 million program in the 2003-05 budget that would have helped over 5,000 College Republicans lose their virginity, but that program was removed from the budget by the Legislature.
"Look, I've got a stack of sampling data a mile high over there in the corner that'll tell you that once a kid gets laid, they're three times more likely to vote Democrat," said Kaye. "So we're all for Mark Green helping these kids to stop helping themselves, if you know what I mean."
Kaye added that "If there's one thing I learned working out east, it was how to have a good time. And the looks on the faces of these poor Midwestern kids tells me that they're definitely undersexed. I mean, look at the guys in this picture. It's like the clearance rack at Old Navy threw up on them. Not only do they need some sex, they need some fashion sense too."
5 comments:
Take a long hard look in the mirror, I gaurantee if you look long enough, maybe drink a beer or two to release your inhibition, and you can force yourself to admit you see more of yourself in those same kids than you wold otherwise admit.
You think you're all grow'd up and better now, having left that stage of your life behind. However, once a geek, always a geek. Exhibit A: its 9:30 on a Friday night and you're typing away at what you alone think is a clever, witty and insightful commentary on an annonymous blog.
Look in the mirror and embrace your geekdom, only then will you free yourself to become a normal adult who can get laid with someone/something more than a bottle of lotion and your stack of (ab)normal porn.
I had a delightful time out on the town on Friday night, but thank you for taking an interest in my social calendar. Believe it or not, it takes but 15 seconds to post something you've already written earlier in the day. Crazy internets.
The worst thing is that our Young Republicans are forced to leave the state and go to Illinois or Minnesota to get laid. That's what the commercial says, I think.
I don't get the point of this commercial. No, I get the point is lower taxes = more jobs. What I dont get, is why is he using the brain drain, an issue that no one cares about, to talk about jobs? Subquestion: who is this ad aimed at? High school students who want to stay close to mommy and daddy?can't vote yet, Mark.
College student? They ain't voting for you anyways.
Middle aged workers worried about jobs? Sure, but they could care less about these young Old Navy punks getting jobs in Wisconsin out of college.
I think the problem here is you are seeing Mark Green the father get involved in the message cycle, and it's usually never a good thing when a candidate gets personally involved in a campaign.
P.S. Seriously, who dressed these kids?
Someone should tell Mark Green that the issue is cheap Wisconsin companies trying to avoid paying real wages and a Republican legislature who's cut back the UW system and the tech schools.
Just take a look at nursing. There's kids on waiting lists to get into texh school nursing programs, but the text schools can't recruit enough instructors to teach them. Meanwhile, the hospitals can't hire enough nurses. Things are truly crazy. Mark Green says the issue is taxes? How many 22 year old kids look up the income tax rate before getting the first real job out of college? I'll tell you- the .00003% f college grads who are College Republicans, and that's it. And what large corporation wants an opinionated right wing Rush wannabe for an employee?
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