CNN is reporting that as a result of our current economic restructuring, America's malls may be facing record vacancy rates. This will mean more mall closures, and more teenagers having to find an outlet for their insatiable craving of soft pretzels and frothy, orange flavored beverages.
Generally speaking, I hate malls. All of them. Perhaps it's just that I don't understand the concept of having a bunch of shitty, overpriced specialty retailers under one roof. Everywhere you turn, someone is trying to sell you some crap that you neither want nor need.
Let's take a look at West Towne Mall, shall we? Now, as we know, West Towne has spawned a whole Generican retail cluster#@$! in its vicinity, stretching down Odana and west on Mineral Point on past the Beltline. But let's focus on some of West Towne's offerings.
Claire's - A whole store devoted to trampy, cheap accessories for teenage girls.
Sunglass Hut - Want to overpay for some sunglasses? Look no further.
Abercrombie, Aeropostale, American Eagle, Hollister, Hot Topic - Do we really need all of you? American Eagle is a more casual version of Abercrombie. Hollister is a edgier version of American Eagle. Hot Topic is a trendier version of Aeropostale. Close three of them and the world wouldn't notice.
Coldwater Creek - It's like The Limited and L.L. Bean got hammered one night, and Coldwater Creek is the accident that came along nine months later.
Things Remembered - Ha. More like Things Forgotten. Who wants a crappy photo album with their name engraved on it? Yeah, didn't think so.
Assorted jewelers - Does West Towne need FOUR jewelers?
Brookstone - How long until this house of pointless innovation goes the way of Sharper Image?
And please, let's not get started on all those f@#$ing kiosks. Hand lotion, soy candles, personalized calendars, that one guy who's always flying that damn plane in a circle - who needs this garbage?
Keep the department stores, Pottery Barn, Williams-Sonoma, Victoria's Secret, and Gap, and plow everything else under. How the world will survive without Software Etc., well, I haven't thought that out yet. But I'm willing to take a chance on figuring it out after the fact.
Generally speaking, I hate malls. All of them. Perhaps it's just that I don't understand the concept of having a bunch of shitty, overpriced specialty retailers under one roof. Everywhere you turn, someone is trying to sell you some crap that you neither want nor need.
Let's take a look at West Towne Mall, shall we? Now, as we know, West Towne has spawned a whole Generican retail cluster#@$! in its vicinity, stretching down Odana and west on Mineral Point on past the Beltline. But let's focus on some of West Towne's offerings.
Claire's - A whole store devoted to trampy, cheap accessories for teenage girls.
Sunglass Hut - Want to overpay for some sunglasses? Look no further.
Abercrombie, Aeropostale, American Eagle, Hollister, Hot Topic - Do we really need all of you? American Eagle is a more casual version of Abercrombie. Hollister is a edgier version of American Eagle. Hot Topic is a trendier version of Aeropostale. Close three of them and the world wouldn't notice.
Coldwater Creek - It's like The Limited and L.L. Bean got hammered one night, and Coldwater Creek is the accident that came along nine months later.
Things Remembered - Ha. More like Things Forgotten. Who wants a crappy photo album with their name engraved on it? Yeah, didn't think so.
Assorted jewelers - Does West Towne need FOUR jewelers?
Brookstone - How long until this house of pointless innovation goes the way of Sharper Image?
And please, let's not get started on all those f@#$ing kiosks. Hand lotion, soy candles, personalized calendars, that one guy who's always flying that damn plane in a circle - who needs this garbage?
Keep the department stores, Pottery Barn, Williams-Sonoma, Victoria's Secret, and Gap, and plow everything else under. How the world will survive without Software Etc., well, I haven't thought that out yet. But I'm willing to take a chance on figuring it out after the fact.
4 comments:
Did The Grinch write this post?
OMG where will the teens go?!?!
Perkins and/or Denny's.
(iHoP where available.)
Hmmm....Pottery Barn, Williams-Sonoma, Victoria' Secret, and Gap. Are you trying to tell us something RS? You could have at least added a Dicks Sporting Goods to throw us off.
I completely agree... who cares? The only stores I might add in there are Banana Republic and J. Crew...
I hate shopping any which way, anyway.
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